Gratitude for every day

Our stake has a Book of Mormon class every week that a lady in our ward teaches.  Amron, my husband, was sick a couple of Mondays ago, so I got to go. Part of the lesson was on trials and what we learn from them.  She talked about when we go through them it is difficult, but after they are over we can look back and see that we learned something.  She asked us to share experiences of that happening in our lives.  I got that crazy pounding in my heart that I needed to share and finally raised my hand to share.  I want to share what I shared that day because it has had a huge impact lately on me.  It is crazy how you can learn something and then remember it and learn that lesson in an even deeper way. 
When we had our 20 week ultrasound and were told that Hyrum would not live, I really struggled with not being able to raise my little boy.  I went through the grieving process and really really struggled.  I don't remember a ton of my pregnancy because I think I have kind of blocked it out because it was so hard.  During this time though, I came closer to my Father in Heaven and my Savior and I am so grateful for their love.  Looking back at that time brings such gratitude.  For some reason, we do get to raise our little boy for however long we have him.  Because of that struggle and thinking we wouldn't' have him at all makes the hard times easier and every day a miracle.  I am so grateful for that time in my life because it makes me grateful for today and every moment I have with him.  I know there are moms that wish they had a "normal" child when they have a special needs child.  I don't feel that way.  I know he is here how he is supposed to be here and he is perfect the way he is.  My job is to love him and make him as comfortable as he can be and to share him and his life story.  Without that time of struggle, I don't know if I would feel that way and I know it would be harder.  But I get to have a little boy that I didn't think I would get to have.  There are hard days and it's not easy constantly taking care of a child that needs you always.  But it is so worth it.  I get smiles and laughs and looks of love that I wouldn't change for anything. 
I am so grateful for that day a few weeks ago, to remind me that I get to witness a miracle every day.  Heavenly Father gives us trials and times in our lives that prepare us for something else and to help us in the days to come.  I am so blessed with two amazing children and needed to share my gratitude!

I love being a mom!

Happy Mother's Day!  Maybe I am selfish, but I love this day.  I love it even more now that I am a mom!  I get to be grateful on a day that is set apart for moms because I am a mom.  I have the two most beautiful children ever.  And I get to be their mom!!  It is the most humbling and amazing experience to be a mom!  It is crazy and overwhelming and sometimes just too hard, but then there are the days that are close to perfect and the days that are just plain fun! 
I woke up this morning to a sweet little girl who cleaned up the downstairs and had a present for me and was not happy with me because she didn't get to feed me in bed because I got up too early.  And then she sang "Mommy, I love you" to me in Chinese!  And she's mine!  All mine!  She is my beautiful daughter that I get to teach and love and have fun with!  She made me beautiful cards and I felt like the most perfect mom even though I am far from it. 
And then I got to hold my sweet little boy in church while he smiled and babbled at me.  When I came to sit down to write this, he frowned at me because he wanted held.  I get to be a mom to a perfect child.  I think that is the sweetest gift any mom could have.  It might be the hardest but it is the sweetest.  I am so grateful that I get to take care of my little Hyrum!  I have had four wonderful years with him even though they have been the most difficult.  I went months with him in my tummy thinking that would be my only time with him until I got to raise him in the millennium. =)  But he came and he is still here and he is mine.  I wouldn't change him for a "normal" boy.  He gives me hope, love, and the motivation to go forward. 
I wouldn't be the person I am to day without my two wonderful children who have given me the strength to move on and grow and want to be more and better each day.  I want to be a good mom for them.  I probably mess up more than I don't and I know I have horrible days when I want to give up.  But then I remember that I am their mom and I want to be the person I am meant to be. 
My little Hyrum is done being fed through his tube, so it is time to go outside and be a mom and play with my two children!  Happy Mother's Day!

Gratitude

I have been so overwhelmed this Christmas season with gratitude for my Savior.  He really was born on this earth to Mary.  What amazing people Mary and Joseph must have been to take care of the Son of God! I know Jesus was born on this earth.  I am so grateful that He came down to this earth for me!  I am so grateful for the life that He lived.  I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the atonement and for all that He went through so I am not alone.  And not only me, but my children.  Christ felt everything I have felt, but He has also felt everything my children feel.  My little Hyrum is not alone in his pain and in everything he does because he has a Savior who suffered everything for him.  It gives me so much comfort!  I know Christ was born and I know that He Lives.

Hyrum's short hospital stay

I have been meaning to share more since I started my blog so this news is now a little old, but I wanted to share what I learned. I'm not sure what is too sacred to share on a blog, but I have a really strong feeling to share, so I am going to. On November 7, Hyrum was admitted once again in his short life to Primary Children's Hospital.  He had had a cold for a while and on that Thursday night a horrible cough started and by that Friday morning it was so much worse.  I got really scared and took him to the Dr. to the first available appointment.  We see the PA at his Dr.'s office, who is so good to us and loves Hyrum so much!  I just knew that we were going to the hospital, but I get that fear a lot.   His oxygen levels were fine, so I went to the doctor first instead of straight to the ER.  (We have a finger oximeter so I can check his oxygen when I get worried.)  When the Dr. checked him, his lungs were horrible deep down like I thought. I could feel them rattle when he breathed.  He had a coughing, choking, throwing up spell while we were at the Dr. and it scared the doctor so he sent us up to Primary's. I am kind of used to the choking thing, but it was probably one of the worst he has ever had and they are really scary. 
 
In January Hyrum had RSV and was in the PICU at Primary's and after he came home was on oxygen for a few weeks.  He seemed so similar to then and I think my fear of him having RSV and losing him was controlling me.  I think the Dr. could tell.  We have been through this a lot and he always asks if I am doing ok.  Before we left the doctor, he asked if he could give him a blessing.  Hyrum was blessed that he would continue his journey on this earth.  When we left, his doctor looked me in the eye and said, "he is going to be ok." I didn't believe him.  I called my mom before I went to the hospital and cried and cried because I was afraid I was losing my little boy.  But by the time I got to the hospital I was calm and not so afraid anymore.  The ER doctors checked Hyrum and said his upper respiratory was bad so they would do an x-ray but he didn't think it was pneumonia.  I get kind of weird when I take Hyrum to the ER and don't remember everything they say and so when people ask what he has, most of the time I have to really think about it.  But I thought it was weird that there was no pneumonia because the PA has always been right about pneumonia before.  They treated him for croup and then had us stay over night to watch him because he had enterovirus.  By that night though, his lungs were clear.  He would still cough enough to throw up and they didn't like that, but his lungs were clear.  We came home Saturday night and it wasn't until I was getting ready for bed that I listened to the spirit.    My little boy was healed; the respiratory virus that they found out that he had was still there, but the pneumonia was gone and we were home instead of spending the week in the hospital.  Hyrum is still struggling with his cough and has thrown up more than normal, but he is ok and still here!

I know Heavenly Father answers prayers.  I know the Priesthood is real and blessings can heal.  I learn so much from my little boy and from those around him.  His doctor had faith and my little boy was ok.  It is so humbling to know that Hyrum has a doctor that loves him enough to share his priesthood with and who has enough faith in Heavenly Father to be an instrument in his hands to help heal my son.  Because of that, I still get to keep him. I still get to hold him on my lap.  I still get to see his precious smile every day.  I still get to share him with everyone.  And for some reason he needed to be there at the hospital.  Maybe for a nurse to see his precious smile.  Or maybe for me to learn again that through my little boy Heavenly Father shows us His love.

  I learned so much in those two days. It is pretty crazy that when you are full of fear, it really is
 hard to have faith.  I didn't want to say goodbye yet and that fear controlled me.  I know one day it will come, but this experience has helped me be a little bit more full of faith instead of fear.  I couldn't hear the spirit confirming his blessing was true because I was so full of fear.  Not until after we got home from the hospital and I started to ponder on those last two days, did my fear leave enough for the faith to be there to listen.  I am so grateful that I know that I have a Savior who loves my little boy and who loves me enough to help me listen.

I hope it is ok that I shared this.  I didn't get very many pictures while we were there but here is one of him while at Primary's.  I just have to share that every time we go we ask for that little monkey thing on his crib.  It lights up and the monkey moves back and forth.  He loves it!  And even when I just ask for a crib toy and not be specific, this is always the one that he gets.  It is really special to us!

Being a mom of a child with special needs

In November of 2013 I wrote a paper for a family journal thing that my cousin was doing on being a mom.  This is that paper.  So it is a year old but it shows what we have gone through in general up to that point in our lives.

Not sure what I am doing but doing it anyway!

I have felt for the last four years that I need to start a blog and share our family story.  I'm not totally sure why I haven't.  Procrastination, fear, not sure.  But here I am starting it so I hope this works!

Our little boy was diagnosed with holoprosencephaly when we went in for our 20 week ultrasound.  We were asked if we wanted to abort our baby.  NO WAY!  We were then told that there was a very small chance our child would live and if he did, it would be in the hospital connected to tubes.  After months of grieving our child that wouldn't live, our Hyrum was born.  He still has holoprosencephaly.  But he was a miracle!  He breathed on his own, he cried, he sucked on a binky, he nursed that night and took a bottle.  We went home the next day to what the Dr.'s said, "to enjoy our baby while we can." 

Hyrum has a lot of struggles, but he is the miracle of our lives.  I want to share his story and how it is taking care of such a sweet boy.  There are ups and downs, but he is always smiling!  Which is the way we should be in our lives.  He helps us so much and is such a joy!